7 January 2018

Loneliness

I’ve always considered myself to be a somewhat lonely person. It’s not that I haven’t had friends or even best friends, but I guess that I’ve always felt slightly different to them, and as if we haven’t completely connected. However, I’m now at a point in my life where I can genuinely say that I have no real friends anymore. This isn’t to say to I’m completely isolated, I have people that I can chat to, and I have some old friends that I know are there if I ever get in touch, yet that comfort of a solid group of friends that I’ve been used to having my whole life doesn’t exist anymore.

I can’t decipher whether this is merely a part of growing up, with people’s interests changing, or whether it is symbolic of some deeper problem. I mean, ultimately, I’m not your average seventeen-year-old. I’d much rather stay at home than go partying, and although I like a glass of wine I’d much rather go to a restaurant than a club. I know that this is okay, and I know that there are other people out there who will feel exactly the same, but I just haven’t really met any of these people yet. I have acquaintances who complain that they don’t like going out, yet still, continue to do it every weekend, and this I just can’t understand, and I guess that it makes me feel even more lonely.

I’ve never really been a hugely social person, and I have generally always had two or three ‘best friends’ and I have been perfectly happy with that, I guess it’s just the security of having people there. However, these ‘best friends’ have changed scarily quickly, and often not even out of my own intent. I can honestly say that I have had a different friendship group nearly every year of my life since I was aged eleven. I’m sure that this is just down to how I have evolved as a person, and probably this feeling of being left out and not on the same wavelength as other people, yet it is still worrying to think about.

However, I don’t always miss this feeling of having a friendship group. In fact, at first, I found it pretty liberating. It meant that there were fewer people to please, no potential for arguments (which I had grown accustomed to and sick of) and it meant that I could put all of that energy into my academic studies. Yet sometimes I get this melancholic feeling, and I wonder if there is something genuinely wrong with the way that I approach other people. I’ve always tried to be kind, caring and warm, but I know that to some people I’ve not always come across that way.

I think that these feelings have been intensified by the huge change that is going to hit my life at the end of this year, that is moving away to university (and I want to do another blog post about this at some point). The only remaining support networks that I have, that of my family and boyfriend, will suddenly not be there anymore. Therefore, I have concluded, that unless I make friends, I won’t have any anyone to talk to.

However, I know that this is the completely wrong way to look at things, and if any of you feel the same, let’s try and get out of this negativity together. I think that it’s important to note that being a teenager is confusing and changeable, and people are always going to change and grow. The key is to find people that don’t care if you change and that you can grow with. The other thing is that being in school, college or sixth form, you’ve actually only met a few people, whose cultures are generally going to be quite similar. There are definitely going to be people out there who enjoy the same things and have the same attitudes as you, it’s just a matter of getting yourself out there and finding them.



2 comments so far

  1. you write so well! definitely going to be following this blog x

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