22 March 2018

Big Life Changes

Over the past few weeks, I have found myself to be so overwhelmed with school, that I haven't had time to stop and think. I am sure that this happens to the best of us, when you are distracted from something that is causing you pain or anxiety, but then it suddenly comes to surface seemingly unprovoked.

This happened to me last night. I was in the shower- a strange location but an evening shower seems to always provoke deep reflection- and I suddenly had the realisation of how much my life is going to change over the coming months. 

Of course, there is a certain amount of nervous anticipation that I feel, alongside excitement. Describing my emotions to other people can sometimes be difficult as I am ultimately excited. Yet, this doesn't detach from the fact that I currently feel like I am walking around with a cloud looming over my head, or a person always lingering in the background wherever I go.

The prospect of moving away to University has always scared me to my core. I love the idea of being indepedenent and living away from home, but part of me does not yet feel ready to let go of my childhood.

I understand that not everyone will feel this way, and quite frankly I envy those that don't. I know that to some extent everyone faces nerves, but this feeling that I am symbolically giving something good up in the hope of gaining something better is terrifying. What if it isn't better? What if I hate it? What if people don't like me?

I've always been really close to my parents and my brother.  I have lived in the same home my entire life and I have always heavily relied on my parents for comfort and support. Even now I still sometimes feel like the shy little girl who used to cry when she had a baby sitter or a night separated from her parents. Of course, I've inevitably grown and developed since then, but this general fear of situations that makes me uncomfortable is still a very prominent obstacle in my life. 

I guess I'm praying that in five months time I'll feel a lot more mature and prepared, and even if I don't I know that this is something that I need to do and that I will learn to love. Yet, sitting here in my childhood home, the prospect seems alien and unreal.

The biggest question that I seem unable to answer is:
How do I say goodbye to everyone and everything that I've ever known or loved?

And I guess that, like everyone else, I am simply going to have to answer this question as I work it out. 

Post a Comment

Amelia Hope © . Design by FCD.