21/03/2019

Coping with Change

I have always known when I am approaching a crossroads in my life.

I think that many people are unaware that vast change is about to occur in their lives, and I believe that this often actually makes it easier to deal with, however, I've always been so in tune with my myself, that I can sense it in the waters, I can feel it in my gut, and I find it terrifying.

It's peculiar how I find it so empowering to embrace some forms of change. I'm naturally a very restless person, I always want more and I'm never satisfied with what I do have, which is both a blessing and a curse. If you gave me a few months rent and told me to pack my bags and move to Paris for a year, I would be on a flight quicker than you could tell me to go. I can completely and entirely embrace short bursts of change, but I need the stability of my everyday life to fall back on.

Yet, I find permanent change much more difficult to stomach. I am nearly nineteen years old, and the thought of not living under the same roof as my parents absolutely terrifies me. This isn't because I'm not independent, I've always been fiercely independent, but because they're like my best friends. Their existence is completely parallel to mine, and I know that once this change occurs, I will never live in the same way again, and then one day they will no longer be around anymore.

I suppose I find it hard to let go. I've always joked with my mama that my childhood has been far too idyllic, and that's why I find change difficult, but in reality, it's because the future petrifies me. I crave the quietude and comfort of my childhood, and I want to feel that way for as long as I possibly can, even if that makes me unconventional. Therefore, I have come to the conclusion that I am probably going to have my bedroom in my childhood home for as long as they let me.

However, I think it is even harder to let go and move forward when we have no idea what we're letting go and moving forward to.

Everything that I always planned for, and thought I wanted has changed. I've changed. I look back on my life, the dreams and aspirations, that I had a year ago, and I don't recognise myself. It is like I am staring straight into the soul of another human being, not myself, therefore I know that this past year has been one of incredible growth, but also incredible disruption. My entire sense of identity has been disrupted, and when I try to explain this to people I can almost see their eyes roll, and this is partly why I think that I am simply more in tune with myself than most, but the fact that most people don't seem to understand how I feel simply makes me feel that I am slowly going crazy.

It is ironic how this intrinsic change is inevitable, as our experiences shape us, yet changing our environment and how our life moves is a difficult, conscious decision.

I crave answers. My entire being wants some omnipotent force to tell me what I need to do, what is going to get me where I want to be. I can see the end result, but I can't see the path. I know that this isn't the way that life works, I know that we only get clarity when we look backwards, but this doesn't help me in making these huge life decisions.

All I know is that I don't want people to look back at my life as it being conventional and the same as everyone else's, I want my journey to be different, I want my life to matter. I need the disruption and I need the change, I just don't yet know how to embrace it, but I need to learn quickly.
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